(Generic announcer voice) Ladies and gentleman, please take your seats at the T.W.A.T Awards 2011, as we introduce, the host who can boast the most roast, the man we all know and love, ladies and gentleman, it's Mr. Ken Hawkins!!
(Me) Thank you! Oh, your too kind for your raptourous applause. What a year it's been this year, TV exectutives were in deep trouble for showing a man dying on live TV, although to be honest I didn't think Peter Kay's Royal Variety hosting was THAT bad. (Much laughter) I laughed as well, and the world watched in shock as angry protesters rioted angrily in London, yep, this years guests on Question Time were brutal.
And with the laughter out of the way, we move on to the awards, you are reading what is undoubtably the longest blog on this page, the winners were decided by The Academy of Ken, by that I mean me, Elvis and Michael Jackson. As well as one people's choice award.
Our First Award is Moron of the Year, this year it has been a hardly contested category, consisting of: Everyone's favourite Lepracaun Louis Walsh, 70-odd year old sex god and country bankrupter Sylvio Berlasconi, Welsh footballing love rat Ryan Giggs and the most famous Tory suck up since David Dimbleby, Nick Clegg.
And the winner is... Nick Clegg! Sadly, Nick can't be with us to pick up his award, but he did sent us a note, which reads as follows: "Dear Ken, sorry I couldn't pick up my award, but I'm too busy making the tea for Mr.Cameron, and this maid outfit chafes dreadfully." Well Done Cleggy!
Our next award is a more serious one, Album of the Year, as my regular reader (hello Josh) knows I'm a big music fan so this is a big honour. The nominees are: Noel Gallegher's High Flying Bird's self titled debut album, Adele's record-breaking album 21, Canadian Crooner Michael Buble's festive offering Christmas and the much anticipated Born This Way from Lady GaGa.
And the winner is... Adele, for her frankly brilliant album 21, a fantastic album.
This leads us to award number three, sticking along the same lines as the last one, but this time, it's Film of the Year. This honours 2011's great films, ranging from comedy to action, the nominees are: The highest grossing comedy of the year The Inbetweeners Movie, eagerly awaited sequel The Hangover Part II, the series concluding multi-billion dollar blockbuster Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 and action packed sequel Transformers: Dark of the Moon.
And the winner is... The brilliant, tear jearking and wonderfully enotional Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, the deserved winner.
An award ceremony wouldn't be complete without a lifetime achievement award. Mine is no different. This man, is approaching his 50th birthday, although you would never think to look at him, at least one of his films have a special place in everyone's heart, be it his brilliant comedy acting in films such as The Mask, Ace Ventura and Dumb and Dumber or his Golden Globe winning dramas: The Truman Show and Man on the Moon, this man is my personal idol, and I own everything he's ever done, and will follow him until his retirement, ladies and gentleman, Jim Carrey!
Now, this next award is unique to my awards, nobody honours their fans and followers with awards, I'm different however as this award is T.W.A.T.K.H Follower of the Year. And this particular guy, I've known him for longer than I care to think of, he's read and enjoyed every one of me blogs, even being the only person voting in the people's choice award, a lovely guy, who I promise to him will enjoy my rants for many years, Josh Skerrett, you deserve this, unfortunately, he didn't prepare a speech, however I know he's over the moon with the award.
Now we move to the I Didn't See That Coming Award, covering the shocking storys of this year, nominated are: The death of Bin Laden, Westlife announcing their split, Take That's mammoth ticket sales and the devestation of the Japan Floods.
And the winner is... Westlife announcing their split, devestating news, thankfully, I will be seeing them live on their farewell tour so not all bad news!
One of our man awards of these is Man of the Year, which is the one we come too now, the nominees are: Michael Buble, Jeremy Clarkson, The Go Compare Man and Gary Barlow. A tight category as you can see.
And the winner is... Jeremy Clarkson, I still love him, plus this one will cause more controversy, so I'm all for it.
Now we move onto the last award... of set A, the People's Choice Award, voted for by a grand total of one person (Josh) so our unanimous winner is... Let's All Riot, Because We're Mindless Sheep, dated 23rd August, I must say, one of my favourites too.
Onto Set B, and the Charlie Sheen Winner Of The Year, an award named after the biggest winner of all, Charlie (who is also nominated). Here are the nominees: Charlie Sheen, Best Actor Oscar Winner Colin Firth, ancient football manager Sir Alex Ferguson and WWE superstar and current champion Phillip Brooks (known as CM Punk).
And the winner is... Phillip Brooks, not only has he won the title twice this year, he also went against the system and walked out with their title back in July. Fight The Power.
Serious again with TV Show of the Year, we've had a good year for TV this year, let's look at the nominees: An Idiot Abroad 2, Life's Too Short, Two and a Half Men and Shooting Stars.
And the winner is... An Idiot Abroad 2, another brilliantly funny series from Master Manc, Karl Pilkington.
The next award is for Dated Reality Show, because let's face it they're getting old. The nominees: Big Brother, The X Factor, Britain's Got Talent and I'm A Celebrity...
And the winner is... The X Factor, come on Simon, sort it out.
We all enjoy a laugh, none more than me, except my wife, and some of her friends (shameful Monty Python referance, I know) so that said, Comedian of the Year, the nominees: Chimpius Sweatius Lee Evans, He was back on nights Peter Kay, John Bishop and Micky Flanagan.
And the winner is... Lee Evans, I saw him live back in november, he's still as brilliant and energetic as ever, after nearly 25 years.
Now an award dear to my own heart, The Best Awards Award, a category that the graceful academy has seen fit to nominate this very ceremony in. Here are our nominees: The BAFTA's, The Oscars, British Comedy Awards and T.W.A.T.K.H Awards 2011.
And the winner is... The T.W.A.T.K.H Awards 2011, I'm chuffed, I truly am, I'd like to thank the academy...
And we move into the final set of awards Set C. We start the end with The Rock God Award, this is awarded to someone who I believe has achieved god-like status, over the past year and beyond (the realms of death). The nominees are: Rob Halford, Ozzy Osbourne, Bruce Dickinson and Jon Bon Jovi.
And the winner is... Rob Halford, the man's 60, and he's on a world tour that started in April, and won't finish until next July, now THAT is dedication.
Sticking with music, the next award is for Timeless Album, the nominees are: Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, British Steel, Paranoid and Blizzard Of Ozz.
And the winner is... Sgt. Peppers, there could only be one winner really.
And now for Comeback Of The Year, now there are no nominees for this as I was keeping the winner a secret, here's the story: Way back in 1968 in Birmingham, four men formed a band which would go on to change the face of music, these men were: Ozzy, Tony, Geezer and Bill. Unfortunately in 1969 the band split, but on 11-11-11 in New York, Black Sabbath announced they were returning for a new album, world tour and to headline Download Festival 2012, So Comeback of the Year, Black Sabbath.
This year we have lost many people valuable to us, musically, actor or otherwise, and as much as I'd like to produce a slickly made video documenting who we've lost I'm just going to give an award In Memorium, to a singer who although battling her own demons, produced two fantastic albums, with a voice belonging in a smoky Jazz bar in New Orleans, this award goes to Amy Winehouse.
Now to the final award, I hope you've enjoyed reading the awards, and look forward to a new year where I can give out more pointless gongs. My Final Award is for Godlike Status, the nominees are: Charlie Sheen, Lee Evans, Ozzy Osbourne and Sir Paul McCarteney.
And the winner is.. Lee Evans, scooping his second award of the evening the only multi-winner, I'm sure he'll be proud of this fact.
And that's that, this year's been a blast, not just blog wise but personally for me, I've left school, started college, seen a whole new personality bloom, I hope next year will be just as good, and to all of you a very Happy New Year, as I Ken Hawkins, sign of for 2011.
Peace and Love
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