T.W.A.T.K.H Awards 2011 (AKA Happy New Year!)

(Generic announcer voice) Ladies and gentleman, please take your seats at the T.W.A.T Awards 2011, as we introduce, the host who can boast the most roast, the man we all know and love, ladies and gentleman, it's Mr. Ken Hawkins!!

(Me) Thank you! Oh, your too kind for your raptourous applause. What a year it's been this year, TV exectutives were in deep trouble for showing a man dying on live TV, although to be honest I didn't think Peter Kay's Royal Variety hosting was THAT bad. (Much laughter) I laughed as well, and the world watched in shock as angry protesters rioted angrily in London, yep, this years guests on Question  Time were brutal.

And with the laughter out of the way, we move on to the awards, you are reading what is undoubtably the longest blog on this page, the winners were decided by The Academy of Ken, by that I mean me, Elvis and Michael Jackson. As well as one people's choice award.

Our First Award is Moron of the Year, this year it has been a hardly contested category, consisting of: Everyone's favourite Lepracaun Louis Walsh, 70-odd year old sex god and country bankrupter Sylvio Berlasconi, Welsh footballing love rat Ryan Giggs and the most famous Tory suck up since David Dimbleby, Nick Clegg.

And the winner is... Nick Clegg! Sadly, Nick can't be with us to pick up his award, but he did sent us a note, which reads as follows: "Dear Ken, sorry I couldn't pick up my award, but I'm too busy making the tea for Mr.Cameron, and this maid outfit chafes dreadfully." Well Done Cleggy!

Our next award is a more serious one, Album of the Year, as my regular reader (hello Josh) knows I'm a big music fan so this is a big honour. The nominees are: Noel Gallegher's High Flying Bird's self titled debut album, Adele's record-breaking album 21, Canadian Crooner Michael Buble's festive offering Christmas and the much anticipated Born This Way from Lady GaGa.

And the winner is... Adele, for her frankly brilliant album 21, a fantastic album.

This leads us to award number three, sticking along the same lines as the last one, but this time, it's Film of the Year. This honours 2011's great films, ranging from comedy to action, the nominees are: The highest grossing comedy of the year The Inbetweeners Movie, eagerly awaited sequel The Hangover Part II, the series concluding multi-billion dollar blockbuster Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 and action packed sequel Transformers: Dark of the Moon.

And the winner is... The brilliant, tear jearking and wonderfully enotional Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, the deserved winner.

An award ceremony wouldn't be complete without a lifetime achievement award. Mine is no different. This man, is approaching his 50th birthday, although you would never think to look at him, at least one of his films have a special place in everyone's heart, be it his brilliant comedy acting in films such as The Mask, Ace Ventura and Dumb and Dumber or his Golden Globe winning dramas: The Truman Show and Man on the Moon, this man is my personal idol, and I own everything he's ever done, and will follow him until his retirement, ladies and gentleman, Jim Carrey!

Now, this next award is unique to my awards, nobody honours their fans and followers with awards, I'm different however as this award is T.W.A.T.K.H Follower of the Year. And this particular guy, I've known him for longer than I care to think of, he's read and enjoyed every one of me blogs, even being the only person voting in the people's choice award, a lovely guy, who I promise to him will enjoy my rants for many years, Josh Skerrett, you deserve this, unfortunately, he didn't prepare a speech, however I know he's over the moon with the award.

Now we move to the I Didn't See That Coming Award, covering the shocking storys of this year, nominated are: The death of Bin Laden, Westlife announcing their split, Take That's mammoth ticket sales and the devestation of the Japan Floods.

And the winner is... Westlife announcing their split, devestating news, thankfully, I will be seeing them live on their farewell tour so not all bad news!

One of our man awards of these is Man of the Year, which is the one we come too now, the nominees are: Michael Buble, Jeremy Clarkson, The Go Compare Man and Gary Barlow. A tight category as you can see.

And the winner is... Jeremy Clarkson, I still love him, plus this one will cause more controversy, so I'm all for it.

Now we move onto the last award... of set A, the People's Choice Award, voted for by a grand total of one person (Josh) so our unanimous winner is... Let's All Riot, Because We're Mindless Sheep, dated 23rd August, I must say, one of my favourites too.

Onto Set B, and the Charlie Sheen Winner Of The Year, an award named after the biggest winner of all, Charlie (who is also nominated). Here are the nominees: Charlie Sheen, Best Actor Oscar Winner Colin Firth, ancient football manager Sir Alex Ferguson and WWE superstar and current champion Phillip Brooks (known as CM Punk).

And the winner is... Phillip Brooks, not only has he won the title twice this year, he also went against the system and walked out with their title back in July. Fight The Power.

Serious again with TV Show of the Year, we've had a good year for TV this year, let's look at the nominees: An Idiot Abroad 2, Life's Too Short, Two and a Half Men and Shooting Stars.

And the winner is... An Idiot Abroad 2, another brilliantly funny series from Master Manc, Karl Pilkington.

The next award is for Dated Reality Show, because let's face it they're getting old. The nominees: Big Brother, The X Factor, Britain's Got Talent and I'm A Celebrity...

And the winner is... The X Factor, come on Simon, sort it out.

We all enjoy a laugh, none more than me, except my wife, and some of her friends (shameful Monty Python referance, I know) so that said, Comedian of the Year, the nominees: Chimpius Sweatius Lee Evans, He was back on nights Peter Kay, John Bishop and Micky Flanagan.

And the winner is... Lee Evans, I saw him live back in november, he's still as brilliant and energetic as ever, after nearly 25 years.

Now an award dear to my own heart, The Best Awards Award, a category that the graceful academy has seen fit to nominate this very ceremony in. Here are our nominees: The BAFTA's, The Oscars, British Comedy Awards and T.W.A.T.K.H Awards 2011.

And the winner is... The T.W.A.T.K.H Awards 2011, I'm chuffed, I truly am, I'd like to thank the academy...

And we move into the final set of awards Set C. We start the end with The Rock God Award, this is awarded to someone who I believe has achieved god-like status, over the past year and beyond (the realms of death). The nominees are: Rob Halford, Ozzy Osbourne, Bruce Dickinson and Jon Bon Jovi.

And the winner is... Rob Halford, the man's 60, and he's on a world tour that started in April, and won't finish until next July, now THAT is dedication.

Sticking with music, the next award is for Timeless Album, the nominees are: Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, British Steel, Paranoid and Blizzard Of Ozz.

And the winner is... Sgt. Peppers, there could only be one winner really.

And now for Comeback Of The Year, now there are no nominees for this as I was keeping the winner a secret, here's the story: Way back in 1968 in Birmingham, four men formed a band which would go on to change the face of music, these men were: Ozzy, Tony, Geezer and Bill. Unfortunately in 1969 the band split, but on 11-11-11 in New York, Black Sabbath announced they were returning for a new album, world tour and to headline Download Festival 2012, So Comeback of the Year, Black Sabbath.

This year we have lost many people valuable to us, musically, actor or otherwise, and as much as I'd like to produce a slickly made video documenting who we've lost I'm just going to give an award In Memorium, to a singer who although battling her own demons, produced two fantastic albums, with a voice belonging in a smoky Jazz bar in New Orleans, this award goes to Amy Winehouse.
Now to the final award, I hope you've enjoyed reading the awards, and look forward to a new year where I can give out more pointless gongs. My Final Award is for Godlike Status, the nominees are: Charlie Sheen, Lee Evans, Ozzy Osbourne and Sir Paul McCarteney.

And the winner is.. Lee Evans, scooping his second award of the evening the only multi-winner, I'm sure he'll be proud of this fact.

And that's that, this year's been a blast, not just blog wise but personally for me, I've left school, started college, seen a whole new personality bloom, I hope next year will be just as good, and to all of you a very Happy New Year, as I Ken Hawkins, sign of for 2011.

Peace and Love

Christmas- Something Not Even I Can Moan About.

It's fair to say that whoever you are in this world, whether your busy ruining our country's chances at Eurovision like Nick Clegg, or putting festiv smiles on our faces, like Mr. Michael Buble.
You all recognize December 25th as a time for joy and happiness, celebration and love, and a time to see smiles on childrens faces as they ride their new bikes down the street with Glee.

Now can you see why even me, the great ranter, has nothing to complain about, because everyone is so happy and joyful, and as a plus E.T. is on the telly, which is always good. There's something for everyone, my only quibble this year is there's no Royle Family on Christmas Day, but there is Doctor Who which saves my Christmas. As a Christmas lover my whole life, it is my duty to spread this cheer for my readers, as I know Christmas for some people Christmas is a very stressful, often upsetting time, take solstice in this fact: It Could Be Worse.

You could be Nick Clegg.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to All!

2011 in Review- Part 3, September- December: More Disasters Than You can Shake a Stick At, A Bad Time to be a Tyrant and Merry Christmas To All!

I write this on a VERY cold late December night, knowing the year is about to come to an end on a very sweet note, and that this is my last review of the past year, and I hope you've enjoyed my company this past year, I'll get on with being funny now.

These four months were a bad time to be on planet Earth as everything from Earthquakes to floods and back again happened, first in October, monsoon floods killed 657 people in Thailand, making itterrible year for flooding in the far east after Japan's big flood earlier this year. Then in Turkey a 7.2 Magnitude Earthquake hit the city of Van, killing aother 604 people, soothsayer types say that this is an indication that the 2012 theory will come to fruition as of the amount of natural disasters happening. While anyone with half a brain cells will tell you it's caused by tectonic plates moving not doomsday approaching.

Big news broke in October where tyrant Coronol Gaddafi was found in a drainpipe, and killed by his own people, many around the world celebrated the death while I'm sure it saddened some brainwashed lab monkeys. In more recent times, Kim Jong il died in December, leaving his nation in mourning, strange considering the reign of tyrany he has caused over the years, including mass violence and trying to take over his next-door neighbours, causing terror to many innocent civilians, although I'm assured he sold some cotton to Canada one time in the 80's so he can't be all that bad.

Finally, as we all know, December brings that time where everyone's happy and jolly, except if your with your own family, then your all presumably at each others throats. We're told that, despite the recission and all, it's one of the highest spending Christmasses in recent memory. So it looks like we're in more a very Merry Christmas, especially if Nanna gets hold of the bottle of brandy, then she'll be VERY merry.

That concludes my year in review, although that's not it from me for this year (your not that lucky) you have my special Christmas blog on Christmas Eve, and The Ken Hawkins Awards 2011 on New years eve (the categorys of which will be posted on the Facebook page soon after the blog is posted.) Which should be interesting, anyway if you have your wits about you and don't spend Christmas Eve reading the dribble I come out with, Have a Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year (or something like that). Oh, and to one of my most loyal readers, Josh, Happy Birthday for the 28th (that was your birthday present by the way)

Peace and Love.

2011 in Review- Part 2, May-August. Dead Terrorists, More Arab Uprising and Scandanavian Serial Killers.

The next 4 months of the past year, May to August if your wondering, were eventful in different ways, VERY different ways.

The first big news came, on May 2nd of this year, President Barack Obama announced that Osama Bin Laden had been killed, after over 10 years of looking in Pakistan. This was great news and there was much rejoycing (Monty Python and the Holy Grail kind of dull cheer) all over the world, the news was first announced at an event by WWE talent John Cena at a PPV event, then the sound barrier broke. It was great news, but it poses a few questions, Bin Laden was found at a big complex at an estate in a city in Pakistan, how do u not notice the worlds most wanted man putting his bins out on collection day? Or popping down the shop to buy more shaving foam. Also, there was compliants from some Americans about having a black president, but in one year he achieved what the dumb hillbily couldn't in nearly nine. Your move white America...

There was even more trouble in the middle east, with more countrys deciding that there main square would look much better with bullets strewn around the place and a lot of mess that's mainly because they wanted their basic human rights, so I'm 100% behind them, and support them in overthrowing the tyrants.

Then more tragic news came out of Norway, where on July 22nd, in a town whose name it's impossible to spell or pronounce, Anders Behring Breivik, who acted as a lone wolf, killed 77 people in two separate incidents, the details are too upsetting to go into, but I will say this, it feels like only yesterday I and a lot of other people, turned on the news to see this horrific story, so I'd like to take this moment to say RIP to the victims of these attacks.

That concludes the second set of four months of 2011, next week we'll cover the last 4 months which I'm sure will be great, I haven't researched yet, but we shall see next week.

2011 in Review- Part 1, January-April: Earthquakes, Arab Uprising and Royally Fantastic Arses.

We entered 2011 as we usually do, 2 stone heavier from the yuletide gorging, freezing cold and still without a leader with any sense or brains. Like the world's worse twins (and let's face it worse looking) they are likely to keep shuffling on for another year or so.

Right first things second, a MASSIVE earthquake hit Japan and as much as a tragedy it was there was a show of working pride in Japan, as the earthquake hit and 6 days after it left Japan, the worst affected road in Tokyo was repaired, I'll repeat that for anyone who didn't read that, in 6 days the Japanease workers repaired a road hit by a 9.1 magnitude earthquake, which was IMMEDIATELY followed by a tsunami, now that is just immense workers pride and probably the only positive to come out of that tragedy.

Then all through the first four months, the arabs in Egypt, Sudan and Syria decided they didn't like their regime they'd had for years and decided to uprise, leaving their capital countries in a right pickle, as it had a lot of mess there, fallen statues, bullet shells the usual for a Middle Eastern riot I suppose...

Then, in March, one of the greatest celebrities EVER, Charlie Sheen (of course) announced he was winning and subsequently LOST his job, but still, it was extremely funny, some of the corkers he came out with, first proclaiming he is a "rockstar from mars" oh, and then he said he had "tiger blood" and then he claimed he was on "a drug called Charlie Sheen" like that's the only drug he was on of course, I'm joking of course Charlie is one of the greatest guys ever.

Then someone made a complete ass of themselves on live TV, and this was before I'm A Celebrity started, I'm of course talking about Pippa Middleton and her fantastic arse, and there was something happening about a wedding surrounding that but I don't know the details...

Yet Another Year Flys By, Again.

As I type now it's 11:26pm on November 30th 2011, and I am sat in a winter wonderland (which I created myself) and I look back on the last year, then the rain starts, so I run for shelter. Seriously if years fly by this quick when I'm 16, I dread to think what it'll be like when I'm 60.

However, the month we're entering (December, for the simpletons out there) I absolutely love, it may surprise you to learn, not even I can moan about Christmas, sorry about that by the way, in fact something does annoy me, if not Christmas directly but our treatment of it, but alas, not for this blog. Only a few weeks 'til my Christmas Special for that.

But this is just a time filler really, as I haven't seen much in the news to comment about, but I'm not going to disappoint, as I'll use this space as a look back at the past 11 months, as I will over my next few leading up to that magical time.

As I say this is just a kind of advert for what's to come, so don't say you weren't warned...

Oh, and by the way speaking of news earlier I too was shook by the sad passing of Gary Speed, so I'd like to say RIP Gary, it's a very sad loss, and my sympathy is with his family, all joking aside for this one guys.

Let's send Sepp Blatter flowers, see how long it takes him to ban them.

In recent months, the world has been shook by a few things, the first of which being my near 4 month absense from the internet, or your eyes. Which as my two fans (hello, Josh and Matty) will tellyou should be outlawed by law immediately, and will not happen again (really, I promise)

The second is the aparrent lack of common sense from the footballing powers that be, FIFA, for initially banning our remembance flower, the poppy. Short of the usual "it's disgusting, and disrespectful to our soldiers" rant which I won't do as The Daily Mail has probably done that for me, as well as send out a lynch party for Sepp Blatter.

First of all, who on Earth does it offend? I'll tell you the answer. No one. Do-gooders just think it does, god forbid we stand up for our own values and cultures, oh lord no, but anyone else doing it is fine by them, Mr. Blatter was worried about Germans being offended, apparently. This is beside the point that we were playing Spain, who on last inspection anyway, are not German.

It also begs the question, Why do we bother listening to them? Instead of "Yes Sir, Of course Sir, Three Bags Full Sir" It should be: "Well we're wearing them whether you like them or not." And then we should tell them to shove their ban up their Sepp Blatter.

On a completely unrelated not, this is my 20th blog, there are street parties around the country being planned as I type.

Let's Al Riot, Because We're Mindless Sheep

Last week, Britain was well and truly. In turmoil. London was burning to the ground. And then idiots countrywide, in thier council home the british taxpayer pays for because they're to lazy to get off their arses and work, thought that looked fun. So they joined in.

The result. Three innocent civilians protecting they're property dead and our already full to bursting prisons are about to gain another 1,000 odd prisoners because Malcom fancied hurling a brick at a policeman's head and then helped himself to a 50" plasma from Currys.

Now, I'm not a violent man, but in a situation like that where brainless idiots are running round our streets stealing everything, burning down buildings and killing innocent folk. I say bring in the water cannon if it happens again, or failing that a bloody great machine gun on a bloody great big lorry.

Welcome To The Magical Land Of David Beckham's Brain.

Now we all know, when it comes to baby names celebrities go off the deep end. Gwenyth Paltrow names her kids after the contents of her local fruit store, (Sir) Bob Geldof flicks through a food produce manuals stops at a random page and points at the most ridiculous word.

But, when it comes to daft celebrity names, Mr. and Mrs. Posh Spice take the award hands down. First of all comes Brooklyn which is the least daft, in fact it's not the worst name in eternity (that honour belongs to either Beckham child 3 or 4)  he's named after an American city, seems reasonable, until you realise Brooklyn is a suburb of New York. So the's one bad point.

Second, came Romeo, again not particularly silly, but then again we haven't had a Romeo since a certain bald bard spun a yarn about two jilted lovers so Romeo, in retrospect is about 300 years out of date.

Then we come to our first stumbling block, Cruz. First thing to be said is, poor kid having to drag that name about with you, mind you if I was him I'd be down to wherever it is you change your name as soon as I'm old enough and change my name to Ernie. Because yo can garauntee it's less embarressing than spending your life explaing to people it's spanish. It's probably Spanish for 'My mum and dad didn't buy the baby book'. Plus, Cruz is a Spanish GIRLS name, how embarresing.

Harper 7, Words fail me, sorry.

This is a re release by the way, so u all know.

A New Venture, Doen't Mean I'm Finished

Hello Again, after 2 months and 27, this marks my regular return. However, Not always to this blog.

You See I now have A blog, A vlog and... something new to juggle. As of, well now, I'm opening two seprate blog sites. One will be music reviews of my most and least favourite albums and the same principle for films.

So I hope you enjoy my musings about albums and films and of course my blog and vlog regular moans.

Peace Out Bredren.

The British Ballad Of: Royal Weddings, Stupid Voting Systems And Loony People

I've missed a lot while I've been away and have a lot to cover so I'll start with the maddness that's decended on Good Old Blighty over the past months.

Point One: The wedding of Wills and Kate.
If your a royalist, patriot or a fan of princesses wearing beatles for hats, then this past weeks Royal Weddding was for you. I caught parts of it. What caught my eye the most was the fact that, well the obvious one was "What the Hell has Princess Beatrice got on her head?" But that's for later. The bride looked stunning, but all I could see from the other guests was a large bank account and vast amounts of other large hats. Don't get me wrong I'm a big fan of our Royals, they give us something to be happy for, but there's too many of them. I think in that church about 25% were members of our Royal family. The rest were Elton John and David Beckham.

Which (somehow) brings me nicely to the proposed AV system. As far as I can see it's to let the BNP stand any chance, and that's wrong in itself, using the AV system would be like awarding last years World Cup to Germany because they finished third and were everyone's second choice to win.

Well That's me for another week. Oh, and another thing my much anticipated vlog, which my two followers (helo Josh and Matty, by the way) have been icthing to see, will be on YouTube in late May, Early June. Until then your stuck with reading i off the internet.

Why Rock Must Never Die

This week i will cover an issue I am paticularly intrested and bothered about. Music.

Back in the golden age of music (Any time but the present), by this I mean 60's, 70's and 80's. This was real music. The Beatles, The Who, Bon Jovi, Black Sabbath, Metallica. I could go on, in fact I will: AC/DC, Van Halen, Aerosmith, Def Leppard and believe me i could continue, all night.

Nowadays, music isn't music because its all computer generated nonsense. Take, for an example who I particularly hate, Justin(e) Beiber, even his interveiws seem to be autotuned (Or is that because his balls haven't dropped?) Don't get me wrong autotune is hilarious when you use it to change a serious news debate into an alvin and the chipmunks kind of affair, but it has no place in music.

So tonight, while your warm in your nice house, turn to your very plain wife, and rather thatn say "Shall we stick some Beiber on?" instead i suggest you say "Shall I stick Black Sabbath on so we can get hopelessly drunk and replicate Ozzy and the gang". Trust me your in for a much better night that way.

Anarchy In The Dining Halls

Being of school age, I often find myself agreeing with these uptight, Daily Mail reading types about 'kids today'. I see examples of behavior which would have never happened back in t'day.

For intstance, now students swear at teachers regularly, and the teachers can do nothing but send them to a different room where they swear at more teachers. Now older people will blame the abolishment of corporal punishment, but I have come up with a better, and less painful conclusion.

Things in schools went downhill because tthey stopped serving proper school dinners.

Now I accept that veg is good for you, but not until you are frail and in your 60's do you actually need veg. Man cannot live on veg, I don't care what Vegatablists say. Man needs a good steak down his throat, or else you look as though your Bob Geldof's best mate.

But, it seems as though desserts have been completely abolished, Apple Sponge? Pear Bake? Bollocks to that, go get me Rhubarb Crumble with lots of full fat custard. Until then go forth and multiply with that bloody toxic waste you serve.

An In-Sight Into Middle Age? Hmmm..

Having two middle aged parents gives a unique and far to early veiw into the higher ages, and let me tell you this its a rough road of telephones, hair loss and goodbyes.

My Mother, whose age is a number unkown to humans, seems to be obbsessed with ringing people, over every little thing, like for example, last week my mum needed to lend some milk, now we live near an auntie of mine, in fact I say near, let's just say if we shout she hears thats how close we live, so my mum says to me: "Ring Auntie Sharon, to ask about milk" To which I responded by standing at the gable end of my house and shouting we needed milk, and lo and behold my auntie turns up within 6.7 seconds withs some milk.

My Dad, however lost something different thatn his sanity (although my mother never had any) he instead lost his hair. This is a great laugh for me as I have a big head  of hair, but inevitably in 30 years time I'll be the one with a combover.

And finally, this applies to everyone in my family over 18 saying goodbye takes a good 50 years. This is because of the impulse to say goodbye every time the other one says it, so when a relative visits our house, the word goodbye is mentioned about 50,000000 times. I'm not looking forward to thirty thats for sure.

Prisons, Is it Worth Being Raped In The Showers?

More reports of overcrowded prison system from Overlord Cameron and his chambermaid Clegg. Well here's an idea for our all-knowing (Ha! we'll be lucky) leader, Build more prisons rather than piss and moan to us.

Then there's the idea of crime, some people actually want to go into prison, these people are either very, very psycotic or very, very gay. We know it all goes on: "Oh dear, I dropped the soap, accedentally on purpose, someone rape me!" Then another one will say "Ok" Then all of a sudden you have a mass gangbang in the showers.

I often wonder why people turn to that kind of thing after being caught swapping their child for a taco, many people say it's because they miss human compassion, maybe but no. It's because they've seen that our deputy and prime minister are at it so they might as well try it.

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAACK MWAHHHHHH!!

And so, I'm back, did you miss me? I'll take that as a no then.

I've only been gone two months and the worlds in a mess (and by that I mean the coalition). However there's been one thing that I just can't moan about. Christmas.

Yes, like every year we were encouraged to over-spend on relatives you don't see year-in, year-out. But despite this it is still *cough* a happy time.

So this was an introduction to the new years Ken I'll be back next Saturday with another moan.

Oh, and by the way, HAPPY NEW YEAR!